I CAN RESIST EVERYTHING EXCEPT TEMPTATION

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

birthday pictures, claw porn, stuffed animal sex

Well I finished uploading the pictures from the weekend and my birthday yesterday...so now I guess I have to write something about them since far too often I just slap the pictures on here and let them do the talking. For some of these, I feel like a lengthy explanation and even apology is necessary, and I'll do my best to provide at least half of that. It goes against at least three of my personal mantras to apologize for anything, but if graphic stuffed animal porn upsets you, then please avert your eyes now.

To preface: my birthday was fun. We went to E&O and then the loft, and I didn't really get that drunk at all. I have decided that tipsy is the best way to avoid getting in fights and vomiting all over myself, and it's been working out pretty well for me so far. I really don't have too many pictures from that night because Laura was the one taking most of them with her camera, and since getting anything technology related out of her is harder than getting Janessa to keep her drink upright after she's four in, I don't expect to have those any time soon.


Laura and me at E&O

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Hector and my eyeball...a not so uncommon photo occurence for me

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Me and baby

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Me, Janess, and Berta. You can see my "Tyra" eyelashes. I didn't realize they were so stumpy

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So that's it for those pictures. Now for this weekend. I didn't go out Friday and probably wouldn't have Saturday either except that we were celebrating Dave's birthday (a week early...some people like to get the party started prematurely). He had decided that we were to be living it up at Blinky's Can't Say, a bar in Franklin Mall in Santa Clara. Now, I lived down the street from this bar for ten years and during that entire time, I always wanted to go in and experience what I only imagined would be the epitome of dive bar-ness. With a name like that (the origin and meaning is a mystery that will forever be unsolved in my mind) I could only assume that it would be fantastic. So, finally, I would be going inside.

The first thing I noticed upon entering was that it was pretty clean. Strike one for Blinky's claim to dive fame. Second, it was filled with far too many people who didn't look like they had led a life of drug abuse and felony. Mind you, there were some, but not as many as I had expected. Third, the bartender was the same cross-eyed woman from another beloved dive, the Poinciana. Blinky's, you're gaining ground! I ordered a beer from the bartender after first making her aware that I was a seasoned bargoer and shaking her hand (Hector said she was giving me horny eyes and staring at my tits, but of course, given her condition, she was most likely attempting to focus on my face and he was just mistaking horny for detached retinas). Then on to the second great discovery of the night. There was a claw machine against the wall of the bar. Exciting? Yes. But it doesn't end there. Inside the claw machine, amidst the smiling stuffed faces of cows, tigers, bears, and dogs, there were TWO DVDs boasting ginormous cocks and the women who loved them. Porn. In the claw machine. Genius! After Janessa, Brian, Berta, and Adam arrived, it was on. All told, when the night was over, I would say the guys put at least $50 into that machine trying to get one or both of those DVDs. Of course, they failed. But we ended up with a cow, a pink dog, a tiger, a dodger ball, a g-string, a penis candle, and fuzzy slippers, so it wasn't a total bust. We also met Laurie, another patron who came up to show the boys how it was done and proceeded to jam her hips into the machine when it was lowered, which amazingly resulted in her winning a prize almost every time. She's my hero. My favorite outcome of that was seeing Brian and Hector also humping the machine in the hopes of winning that porn. Laurie gave her winnings to me and Berta, to our utter bliss. We then proceeded to strap the penis candle to the cow, shove the g-string on the dog, and take numerous pictures of the two in compromising positions. This was endlessly amusing, and I wasn't even drunk. The lesson here: give a group of so-called adults the smallest opportunity, and they quickly degenerate to high school mentality. Glorious.


I don't remember what Janessa was saying but I think this picture is funny


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Me and the birthday boy


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Janess and me at Blinky's. She is wasted.

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Another kissy face photo

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Berta posing with her dog

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My cow was supposed to be higher


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Me and Berta in what is now becoming an automatic pose


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The slippers being won by Brian


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Laurie working her magic


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Laurie and Brian posing with the winnings


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Hector winning the tiger he had been eyeing. He gave it to Laurie though because she said she had wanted it for a long time. Bye bye tiger!


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Bonafide porn


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The dog and cow before they were tainted


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Brian posing in his hard-earned slippies. He wore them the rest of the night


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Brain thrusting his hips violently into the machine. I'm shocked we weren't kicked out


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And again


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And now for the nasty.



Yeah

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Uh huh


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Work it, baby


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That's the way they like it


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We gave them cigarettes afterwards
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So that was my weekend. Berta, don't forget that I made you a frog out of your twenty dollar bill. I hope it didn't get lost somewhere. There was quite a bit of drunkenness going on. I also hope that Dave made it home safely, since last I left him he had no ride home and we were all supposed to meet at the Cluck U Chicken that turned out to be closed. Rather than feasting on the cheese fries that I was informed were awaiting me, I was forced to eat two and a half cheese quesadillas. The sacrifices I make each and every day.

Monday, July 23, 2007

oooh I want this



I have pictures from the weekend...but since they take forever to load and I was too lazy to do it last night, you're gonna have to wait for them. I'm really only posting anything at all right now because I promised my number one fan that I would mention her on my blog and I know she checks Mondays. Hi Berta! If you really loved me you would knit me a hot dog.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

I'm not trying to be mean...

...but the Indian children at my apartments make my tubes spontaneously tie themselves. Hush, babies, momma's got a migraine. I could hear the harsh, steady whine of their tinny screaming voices through the walls and glass of my bedroom and I wanted to throw grenades off my balcony. Metaphorically, of course. To be fair, I got home at 3:30 which is prime playing hours, but they were out till 9. NINE PM!! Who lets their children skate in the dark? Shrieking all the while. Next time I have to leave work early to go sleep a migraine off in my cavelike room, I'm going to wear earplugs.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Andre

Apparently I am the last to learn about the sweet rewards of Andre champagne. I accidentally discovered it at Albertson's on account of it was 2 bottles for $9 and like any hot blooded American woman I couldn't pass up that tasty offer. For the price of an (expensive) drink at a fine libation establishment, I could get nicely tossed in the privacy of my own home or, say, an enclosed hot tub. And I'm only out 9 dollars and the memory of the night's events. A pretty good deal, if you ask me.



This is not the one I consumed, as I carefully selected the bottles with the highest alcohol content. I'm not stupid. Pink is pretty but 9% alcohol by volume is better than 7% by any standards.

Side note: when I searched Google images for a picture of Andre champagne, one of the first results came from a page on my college website. Coincidence? Or a cleverly coded message from God himself to drink more champagne? You be the judge.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

i'm going to strangle someone

You would think that not much could really go wrong only two workdays into the week, but you would be wrong. For some reason, this seems to be the two days that every single vendor I have to deal with has decided to make like a shitty baby and crap all over themselves, leaving me to clean up the mess. Most are just small issues that I am annoyed with in that they cause me to take a break from online roulette on pogo.com, but a couple are really big nasty assholes who I have been dealing with for HOURS at a time only to achieve no resolution in sight. This angers me.

Yesterday I spent two hours on the phone with our internet provider who for the past 5 months has been unable to get their shit together and apply a payment we made in February to the correct account. Not my problem? You would think, except that they have been forwarding on this past due amount each month and have now decided to add a notice to disconnect our service to spice things up. I have talked to three different agents on three different occasions and although each Manila native has told me they would "personally take care of it", they have turned out to be fat ugly liars. I am normally a patient woman (HA) but this is pissing me off. I just got off the phone with someone who told me that I could not talk to the supervisor I talked to yesterday, but that it was really just a simple matter of her putting in a request to transfer the check over to our account. Simple. 6 hours of my life wasted listening to crappy hold music and Anne from the Phillippines had the solution the whole time? I yelled at her for a good ten minutes without letting her speak, but to be fair, this was pent up frustration from having to deal with her company, the financial aid department at my school, the Arrowhead people, the parking lot sweepers, and our postage meter company. Sorry Anne, you tiger now.

I want a drink.

On the upside, last week my bosses gave me a raise in the form of offering to pay for my gas via a gas card, and paying my cell phone bill from now on. They also gave me a $1500 travel voucher to go anywhere I want. Pretty nice, but I didn't expect to have to work for it. I know, I'm a baby.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

do you like the glaze on my shapely jug? I made that.

Man I am so backed up at work, on account of I was out almost all of last week, not including the days I was in but only pretending to work. That makes it hard to come back and deal with all the shit I should have taken care of by now. My life is difficult.

Anyway, since I am tired and not feeling like being wordy today, I will just do what I always do when lazy...post pictures of my happy fun time. The last two weeks were filled with eating, drinking, and merrymaking, not in small part due to the fact that all my closest friends/family and sibling (and myself) just happened to be born within the same two week time span. But before I begin, look at this.



Laura found this today. The owners are saying it's real...but as evidenced by the large artificial heart on Francis' fat bottom, we know the truth. Hair dye - not just for humans anymore.

Pics from Laura/Janelle's birthday extravaganza:


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Now some from 4th of July at Laura's:


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And I felt this sequence needed to be set apart, if only because Jimmy took a heroic amount of Patron in one gulp, and because I puked immediately after.


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Good times.