Resolutions for the New Year and other ways to feel like a failure by January 2nd

I've never really made New Year's Resolutions, (at least never with the intention of keeping them) preferring instead in past years to live through the ultimate failures of others'. Most people I know resolve to start working out in the New Year, figuring that for some reason once the dawn breaks Jan 1, they will open their bloodshot eyes after a few hours of drunken sleep and be able to resist the urge that had gotten the better of them the past 365 days and exercise rather than sleeping in and eating ho-hos for breakfast. This resolution only results in inevitable disappointment, because really the new year is no different than the last one and a new stretch of 12 months ahead of you doesn't take away the fact that you are a lazy slob. This, however, doesn't stop people from buying gym memberships and crowding my weekly yoga and spinning classes for the first few weeks of the year. Without fail though, by February everything is back to normal, restoring my faith in man's inability to stick with it.

This year I think I will try out a few resolutions that I'm pretty sure I can keep. This will not only boost my confidence and ability to follow through, but will make me look better than everyone else when, come February, I am still riding high on my accomplishments.

My New Year's Resolutions, 2009 Edition

1. I will slowly stop working out and will let the fat resume its hold of my ass and thighs.
2. I will eat more beef.
3. I will squander my paychecks on items I can't account for later and will barely be able to make my rent payments with the balance.
4. I will be more anxious.
5. I will spend at least one hour of every day wasting my life away.
6. I will not pursue a more financially rewarding career.
7. I will purchase more fabric and stow it away in various places in my closet, vowing to sew "projects" that will never get completed.
8. I will incorporate cheese into at least 85% of my weekly food intake.
9. I will not have a nice round number of resolutions.

Already I am ahead! 2009 is promising to be a very good year.

Hope everyone has a happy and safe New Year's Eve. After this we've got at least six weeks of no holidays. Adios, 2008!