is it too much to ask

for my Hillshire Farms processed chickenmeats to separate nicely for placement atop the salami on my sandwich? Apparently it is, because trying to separate the "slices" results only in shredding the chicken ball into smaller lumps. This makes it pretty difficult to achieve the elusive goal of the perfect and delicate chicken/salami balance.

Stay tuned for next week's episode of Jennifer Vs. Inanimate Food Items: the Plot Thickens.

If I had a million dollars...

I'd camouflage those unsightly water meters in front of my house.

I was taking a nice long stroll at lunch time to counteract the intense eating, drinking and week-long gym avoidance that come standard with family/friend birthdayfest 2008, when I confirmed that yes, the Menlo Park/Atherton area IS as pretentious as it looks at first glance. As I walked past the 453rd extravagant palace equipped with matching BMWs in the front driveway, I noticed that not only was each home beautifully and emaculately landscaped, (they weed in their spare time, I'm sure) but many of them had matching "rocks" near the sidewalk. Upon closer inspection, I realized that these rocks had keyholes in the back, and stood on cement pedestals. Heaven forbid Mr. and Mrs. Lane P. Harringsworth the Third have the view outside their receiving room window marred by repulsive water meter boxes! It just isn't proper!

It got me thinking...who sells these artificial water meter rocks? And where can I get one for my third story apartment? Because if ever there was a symbol of wealth to excess, throwing money down the drain on something to fool the average passerby into thinking you don't use water is right up there. And I want that kind of image.

stomach of steel/ is it really June already??

First and foremost...what the hell is happening to this year? I mean, am I the only one who is worried that somehow my life is passing me by as the months are hurtling past at the speed of light? Sweet baby jesus.

And now I will make with the storytelling.

This morning I finally got to eat that yogurt I brought in to work last week. In passing, I looked at the label which had the "best by" date imprinted on it. May 11. Only a couple weeks past its prime, and I am (as proven countless times) by no means picky. I may or may not have noticed a strange flavor as I was eating it over the course of the next hour and a half, but once it started to become lukewarm it was pretty hard to tell. I have accustomed my stomach over the years to keep foods down that really it shouldn't have ingested in the first place, and I am fairly certain I could eat poison at this point and at most suffer only minor heartburn.

I had a bunch of stuff to do mid-day, and just got back into the office not too long ago. Since I'm spinning tonight, I was planning on eating a semi-healthy lunch of a chicken sandwich. Now I've had this chicken lunch meat in my possession for quite some time. So long, in fact, that I can't even remember exactly when it was purchased. But I've eaten old meat before, and my stomach is strong (see above.) Therefore, I wasn't worried. I strutted confidently into the office kitchen and set about preparing the sandwich. Two pieces of bread extracted from the loaf. Gulden's brown mustard applied liberally to one side and then smashed together to cover both slices. Pepper jack cheese liberated from the paper backings. Safeway deli chicken breast slices placed carefully atop the chee...wait a second. Does chicken normally have slimy tan patches across its surface? I know I'm not the most observant of people, but I really don't remember seeing anything like that ever before. I went to touch the meat, which we all know is the final test in determining its freshness. It was completely slimy, so much so that I had to immediately wash my hands lest I vomit. Apparently, four weeks is too long to keep lunch meat and expect to eat it.

I am now eating a cheese and mustard sandwich. Thank god it's hard to tell the jalapeno pepper flakes from the mold.