Getting an IUD was an idea I've been toying with for some time now, so the last time I was at the clinic for my yearly checkup, I asked the nurse practitioner or whatever they are there whether she recommended it, and got some information on the benefits and dangers of getting one. There are two kinds, one with hormones and one without, and the little pamphlet makes it a pretty easy decision (contract with Mirena, perhaps?) since it claims they both do basically the same thing, except one gives you worse cramps and heavier periods and the other gives you fewer cramps and a lighter to no period. For 5 years. Um, yes please. I left the clinic with instructions on when the best time to make an appointment would be and a prescription for a drug to take 8-12 hours before the insertion to prime the cervix (I hope that's the last time I ever write that). Long term birth control step one - done.
A couple of weeks later, I called the clinic again to make my appointment to get the show on the road. Except they had no record of me getting the information on pros and cons, which apparently is a must before you can come in for the procedure. I tried to rationalize with the 20 year old lab tech that how could I have a prescription without having been prepped on IUD 101, but she wasn't having it and insisted I come back for that consultation before I could even make an appointment for the insertion. Have you ever been to Planned Parenthood? Even with an appointment, your total visit time is never less than an hour and a half, and I can't be taking off all kinds of time at work just to thwart accidental impregnation. The only reason I still go there is because everything's free. I called back another day and got a more reasonable person on the phone, who understood that in order to have a prescription, I must have spoken to someone authorized to give one out, and she scheduled for me to come in the next week. I took the medicine as close to 8-12 hours before my appointment as possible, but because I wasn't about to stay up til 2AM to do it, I may have taken it a bit more than 12 hours before. Was this a huge mistake? Maybe.
I went in for my appointment with my papers in hand and re-read all the possible side effects (cramping, expulsion of the IUD, infection, puncturing of the uterus - yikes!) and was still confident in my decision. The paper said the procedure could cause "mild to moderate" discomfort, but I wasn't too worried because I have a fairly high tolerance for pain. I have several tattoos and once went two weeks without a bowel movement, I'm practically immune to pain! The technician showed me the IUD (a little bigger than I would have thought) and we began the procedure. It's very disconcerting to be on that table so completely exposed; you have to put all your trust in someone you've never met and let it all hang out there. It's funny when the doctor tries to make small talk like there's nothing out of the ordinary happening...I once had a doctor comment on how much she liked my socks. I guess that's all she COULD like, since it's all I was wearing. Anyway, I expected the insertion to feel something like getting a Pap Smear, uncomfortable, annoying, but not too bad.
I was wrong. Very, very, horribly and insanely painfully, wrong. When she told me to take a deep breath for the first step in insertion, I almost stopped breathing when she did whatever she did down there. I screamed. And then I held my breath, realizing I had made a huge mistake. It felt like someone had stabbed me where I didn't know I could be stabbed, and the pain radiated through my entire lower body. Once I knew what to expect, the next 5-6 pain waves were even worse, and somehow, different. Mild to moderate my ass. When she was finally finished, she brought me a wet towel to cool my by now copiously sweating body. I kept apologizing to her because I NEVER get like that, but then again, I had never experienced what I just experienced. She wanted me to stay and recover for at least 15 minutes, but I just wanted to get out of there and never come back. The whole drive home I couldn't feel my legs or hands, and I was shaking. I felt like such a wuss, but I cannot stress enough that I had never felt this kind of pain before. I just kept comforting myself with the fact that I would now be baby-free for 5 years or however long I wanted in that time frame. And bonus, no more periods! I could handle a day of intense cramping for that.
This week, however, Planned Parenthood got their final dig, when not only did I not have a lighter, cramp free period, but instead had a worse-than-normal one that lasted longer than I would have liked. It just goes to show, you can't believe everything you read in those eye-catching pamphlets.
No comments:
Post a Comment