Stick-to-it-iveness

I've been toying with the idea of doing a juice fast ever since we had a temp in the office a year and a half ago who did one that involved a foul smelling liquid ingested three times a day over 9 days. With that kind of endorsement, I don't know why more people aren't transforming this trend currently practiced by select crazy hippies/conspiracy theorists into a full blown fad endorsed by overly fake-tanned blondes and reality show celebrities everywhere.

For me, ideas like this fall into two categories: Category A = things I think about doing and then do, and Category B = things I think about doing and then talk a lot about doing and then never do. This had all the earmarks of a Category B idea and so I continued thinking about it and never doing it, pleased in my positive healthy thinking.

Then Jerry told me he'd been doing something like this for a while and it was making him feel energized and healthy and that he was also seeing significant weight loss. The competitive spirit in me kicked in, and I thought "well if HE can do it, then I sure as shit should be able to!" I went to Costco and discovered that they sell Odwalla Superfood by the two-pack for a measly five bucks, and if one serving is 8 ounces, then that's 8 meals for 63 cents each! My God, the savings!! I quickly made my purchase and let my mind roam free over the transformation I was about to experience. Nevermind the fact that I didn't even know if I'd like Superfood and also kind of have always been afraid of it (green liquid should never be consumed, that's just a fact) - I was going to replace my meals with juice, starting now.

I got home after work and put my "extremely perishable" juice into the fridge. I waited till the last possible moment to drink it, since I knew it wasn't going to fill me up and I didn't want to have hours and hours of being starving before bed. I sipped it and found it palatable, which was a pleasant surprise. I drank 8 oz over the next 30 minutes to try to draw out my meal, and preoccupied my brain with recorded episodes of Justified.

I was hungry 30 minutes later.

I immediately made the decision that I should probably ease into my fast. No need to replace every meal with juice; maybe just one or two to start with. Okay, two. That's doable. I vowed to have both lunch and dinner the next day of Superfood. When breakfast rolled along, I ate yogurt and granola per usual and waited for my disappointing lunchtime to roll around.

But...but there were COOKIES at lunch! I'm not made of stone. I ate the shit out of a cookie.

Aaaaaaannnnd thus ended my juice fast. It was fun while it lasted.

things that make the baby jesus cry

when I accidentally eat a piece of shrimp I've been saving on my plate for the end of the meal

baby on board stickers

men who wear white flip flops or white sunglasses or any necklace to speak of

cuts that make my skin all flappy and stingy

fat people in skinny jeans

Yorkies with clothes on. No it's not cute.

when I run over a dead squirrel in my car

Uggs

midnight showings of the movie adaptation of that new young adult novel

iPhones and the Apple regime

finding a hair on your person that definitely isn't yours

powdered sugar

pulling your headphones out of the gym bag only to find they've woven themselves into an impenetrable cord ball

daddy long legs

realizing your taco was indeed too hot to eat

names like Chase and Kayla and Jaxson

the phrase "it is what it is"

when you're sitting in a quiet room filled with people and your stomach decides to make that weird farting noise

men who drive Mustangs

people who sing karaoke like they're auditioning for American Idol

American Idol

the red shirt hidden in your load of white laundry

asking for no cilantro and then receiving a bowl full of rice noodles with cilantro interwoven between every strand

the high pitched incessant wail of a baby interrupting your fancy dinner at Chez TJ

Prius drivers