smother, assplosions, 97 cent underpants, daytime drinking

I am going to start with my first ever (to my knowledge) restaurant review, if I may. Smother was in town this weekend and true to form, we ate our way across the bay area without pausing to breathe or exercise. Last night, after much whining from mom all weekend about how she wanted a damn prime rib already, we made reservations at Alexander's Steakhouse in Cupertino. She had been once already, but neglected to inform us that it was a restaurant directly plopped down from the gods above, although cleverly hidden in the shittiest mall in a 50 mile radius. Laura, Janessa, Smother, and I arrived 15 minutes before our 5:30 reservation and decided to make the best use of our uber-punctuality by strolling over to the bar. Not one to mince words and waste precious drinking time, Janessa and I quickly ordered cocktails, leaving the less decisive and pickier of us to the wine menu. Fortunately, the bartender was bored and proceeded to allow mom and Laura to sample several wines before smother resigned herself to drinking a subpar reisling and Laura gave up entirely. I applauded the bartender's persevering spirit when he didn't take no for an answer and whipped up a cocktail for Laura on the house at Janessa's suggestion that she liked pineapple juice and vodka. He made a "pineapple upside down cake" which really did taste like cake. Laura was pleased.

We were seated after that and became giddy at the selection of meats on the menu. I am quite proud of the sheer amount of food that the four of us ordered, given the fact that to look at us you wouldn't have expected we could do it (well, unless you knew of our ravenous ways). All told, this is what was brought to our table, some of it free, some of it paid for:

One 2lb. rib eye steak
One 20 oz. prime rib
One 8 oz. filet mignon
One All 4 Love platter (consisting of steak tartare, prime rib, short rib, and new york strip)
Two Mac & Cheese side dishes
One large baked potato
One side of crimini mushrooms
One lobster bisque
Six Hamachi shots (fucking delicious)
Four cantaloupe palate cleansers
Four lobster tempuras w/ spicy aioli
One smores
One vanilla/chocolate cheesecake
One brownie a la mode
One sassy apple cotton candy stick. Seriously.
4 classes of champagne
One bottle of 2004 David Bruce petite sirah
Two glasses 2005 Dr. Fischer Riesling

We left the restaurant pretty much crawling on hands and knees, but not before I swiped two after dinner mints under the guise of one being for my mom and then leapt triumphantly out the door holding the extra one high above my head, only to be notified that Janessa was too stupid to have gotten one for herself and I had to give her my extra one. This displeased me greatly because the only other place I have been able to get free mints such as these is Ruth's Chris and how often am I there? I think I am going to have to start swinging by Alexander's on my way home just to dash in and swipe some mints. Honestly though, this was the best meal of my life, served by the best waiters and the nicest staff, and as soon as I make enough money with the whoring and the gambling, I will be back.

To top the perfect meal off, we scampered over to JC Penney for some underpants, which were on sale for $0.97. Four tipsy women mauling each other over the bargain bin of lacy underwears is quite the sight, let me tell you. But never before have I spent so little on so many fine underthings. Which, by the way, I am wearing right this very moment.

I am not going to go into too much detail about my bowel troubles over the past weekend/two weekdays. You can probably get the idea. When smother is not here, I subsist on sandwiches, cheez-its, and cheese quesadillas. My digestive system is just no match for the richness of my caloric intake when she is here, resulting in somewhat alarming and eye-opening experiences at 3AM. You get the picture.

So...tomorrow is the 4th of July, and after consulting with Laura over what everyone is bringing to her house for a day of merrymaking, badminton playing, and corona guzzling, I am fairly positive we are all going to explode. If everyone lives up to their promises of supplying the things we say we're bringing, it will be a fiesta of chicken legs, tri tip, enchiladas, pico de gallo, fruit platters, bruschetta, potato skins, hot dogs, hamburgers, chocolate cake, root beer floats, corn and beans. But knowing us, there will just be a whole lot of corona and maybe some stale chips. And illegal fireworks.

Happy Independence Day everybody! It's my birthday Friday, so I'm pretty much gonna be in blackout mode till it's back to work and school on Monday.